Controversial food opinion and a hill on which I’m prepared to die. Pornstar Martinis are not all that. I keep seeing adverts on line for ‘Bottomless Pornstar Martini Brunch’ and ‘Pornstar Martini Tree’ – an elaborate bit of ironmongery that holds 6 glasses which will undoubtedly get spilled on its journey from the bar to the table. I’ve also seen a ‘Pornstar Martini Fountain’, and this is now starting to border on those disgusting sweet cocktail bowls and contraptions so popular in holiday resorts like Benidorm, Magaluf and Ayia Napa.

This cocktail (to me at least) appeared from nowhere about 5-10 years ago. A yellowy-orange concoction of vanilla vodka, passion fruit liqueur, lime juice and possibly more sugar syrup, because the others don’t contain quite enough to coat your teeth after the first sip.

It’s served with half a passion fruit floating in it, which seems excessively wasteful considering it is never eaten by anyone (and was the skin clean?); along with a shot of prosecco on the side.

Do I pour the prosecco in? Do I have it separately? Is it a dry palate cleanser post cocktail to rid my mouth of the sickly sweetness I’ve just imbided? And as with all cocktails, it’s ridiculously overpriced – I’ve seen anywhere from £6 to £10.50 in regular bars – and this was in Reading, not London. Plus because they taste like children’s fruity drinks to drink them that fast, its gone in about 20 minutes, in addition to this for some reason, even with pre-lockdown alcohol tolerance, cocktails don’t even hint at getting you a bit woozy. I’ll have a glass wine instead every day of the week. Pornstar Martinis are not all that. And fuck me if I see anyone stick an apostrophe in it… spoiler alert – it happens all the time.

Drink responsibly please.