This is a true story, although I can’t pinpoint the exact date it happened. My niece and nephew were really young, and my dad has passed away, so post 2008, but almost certainly no later than 2010.

There was family pub outing. Me, mum, my sister, her husband and kids, and my sister’s in laws. It was a fairly miserable Sunday, damp, grey, drizzly. Obviously because everyone else was either old, sensible, or had kids, I was only one who turned up with a screaming hangover. I got up just in time to be picked up, so I’m starving. I’m hungry, the children are noisy, and I’m a hangry person at the best of times.

We order drinks, they arrive, we order food. We wait. Not a massive length of time, but long enough, its 8 meals. I order a burger and chips, obviously. While we’re waiting, I think I’ll nip to the loo and wash my hands ready for my lunch. While I’m in the loo, the following happened; and I know this because they told me.

My food was the first arrive. The kids are getting antsy, so my sister gives them a chip each, from my plate. She helps herself to one too.

Sister: ooh, they are good chips…

Mum: oooh, gimme one…

Brother in law: let me try…

Sister’s in laws (both): and us…

A group of people all eating chips, all saying how good they are.

The kids want another one each, so my sister, like the loving selfless mother she is, indulges her little darlings to another chip each. And then everyone else at the table too. That’s fourteen-ish chips. They’re chunky chips, you’ve seen pub portions, they’re not plentiful.

I come out to find the waitress delivering more lunches, and I see my food, and there are about 4 chips left. I’m starving and my chips have been eaten. I lost it. I swore at them all. I couldn’t even swap lunches because they’ve all gone for roasts (which I’m not a fan of). I promptly walked over to the bar, before I’d started eating, and ordered more chips. I don’t know who was paying but I know it wasn’t me.

3Don’t take my food while I’m still eating. I’ll share it at the end, but don’t take it off my plate. You want chips, I’ll order you a portion of your own. Don’t eat mine. I don’t do that whole sharing thing when you get a take away. That swirly hand thing that Smithy does in ‘Gavin and Stacey’ when they’re talking about sharing an Indian take-away. That’s me. You’ve been warned.